I turned twenty earlier this month. No more teen years, lounging around waiting for the sun to set; no more being babied, being sheltered. No more acting like a fool.

When the summer started, I had already been on this road for a while. I used to say, “I’m no drug addict, I’m just a drug enthusiast!” And after seeing what substances can do to people, especially people around me, I can’t condone that euphemism anymore. Take a pill and you will see a gentle personality transform into a aggravated soul. Take another and you fall from your high, saving you from your crash, but turns you into a fucking lifeless piece of flesh. Pharmaceuticals are still relatively unknown - surely, more people have heard about marijuana or cocaine more frequently than benzodiazapenes and opoids. At one point I turned around to discover that I was, in fact, an addict.

So this spiraled and spiraled, and I fell further and further down the rabbit hole. Whether it was to “escape reality” or “de-stress” after a long day, I don’t know. Then, the rush was shorter, then you find yourself popping more and more just so you can get to that same level. I’ve seen and heard the distress my friends have gone through while they were withdrawing. Seizures, nausea, insomnia, shakes. It’s not a pretty sight.

This quarter I got my first A in college. Sad, I know. But it kind of gave me some perspective. I also got shacked up in DUI class. I didn’t expect me to cry when I introduced myself to the class. I was definitely the youngest person there, and as I looked all around me, I saw exactly what I did not want to be - stuck in some classroom for five hours with some alcoholics or junkies like me.

I recently went through withdrawal. I really felt like dying would’ve been better than what it felt like. Then I thought: what are the intended effects of drugs? What are the unintended effects? You guys should seriously brainstorm and consider this question.

Intended effects: Euphoria, feeling more confident, being “high”
Unintended effects: Health, legal troubles, DUI, troubles with family and friends, trouble in school and work, even death.

asdf.

I cried for a long time that night; whether it was for self-pity, nostalgia for a simpler childhood with less consequences; maybe it was because I miss my family so much? So I played the song Hey Mama by Kanye West until I fell asleep with tears in my eyes. I vowed that this time I would continue climbing my way out of the mess I made rather than to give up and fall everytime temptation rears its ugly head. I’m so sorry - to the friends who ever saw me loaded, incomprehensible, blacked out, fiending.. I’m sorry to my pledge sisters and my college friends. Most of all, I’m so sorry Delphine, Daddy and especially, Mama.

(Hey Mama), I wanna scream so loud for you, cuz I’m so proud of you
Let me tell you what I’m about to do, (Hey Mama)
I know I act a fool but, I promise you I’m goin back to school
I appreciate what you allowed for me
I just want you to be proud of me (Hey Mama)

As we knelt on the kitchen floor
I said mommy Imma love you till you don’t hurt no more
And when I’m older, you aint gotta work no more
And Imma get you that mansion that we couldn’t afford
See you’re, unbreakable, unmistakable

I wrote this a few weeks ago. I really didn’t know if I was going to post this or not.